Is Crime Wave terrible? Why, yes it is. Access obviously made it with their tongue firmly in their cheek, but that doesn't really excuse the fact that it is a bad, bad game. It's a simple run'n'gun with digitized graphics and cringeworthy cutscenes. They actually verge on the "so bad it's good" side of things - the acting is totally over the top, and Access clearly knew that when they were making it. It's an '80s action movie wet dream of mirror shades and helpless babes. Unfortunately, the game they hung it on is just awful. The controls are dire, sluggish and unresponsive. Hit detection is a joke. Enemies spawn constantly and can hit you from anywhere, while they only seem to have an infuriatingly small hitbox. There's no variety to the enemies, you probably get a maximum of two enemy sprites per stage. There's no variety to the levels - I tell a lie, there is a slight variety in that on some levels you can enter doorways that take you to almost identical mini levels that might have an electrical floor. It's just terrible. There's no way that you can dodge the enemy bullets, so you end just bullet-sponging your way through the levels, hoping that the enemies drop enough health and extra lives to get you through to the end of the level. Luckily (?) they usually do drop enough items (at least they did on 'Beginner' level), so I managed to make it through the whole game without too many issues. There are two bosses in the game that show up unannounced at the end of their levels, but by that point in the game I had hundreds of missiles, so it was just a case of spamming those until the bosses fell over. It's a game I'm glad to see the back of.
Next up on the randometer is...Tom Clancy's Endwar! It'll be my first Uplay game, interested to see how it goes. I figure this one sits outside of the rest of the Clancy oeuvre, so it's okay to play standalone.